An unusual thing at school
One day, David was leaving his classroom since he had finished his make-up test. But it was very strange, he was the only person left the classroom, and that it was very quiet.
David was the last one to leave, he was thinking about how he could get high marks in his test. Suddenly, there was aloud sound coming from the classroom.
`Bang!’ David had a chill. He flashed thought of someone trying to hit him. He was very frightened. But… A few second later, he was curious to know where the sound came from. He walked close to the classroom to see what happened.
Things turned really bad because he saw his friends hitting another boy onto the ground. David held his breath and saw what happen. They used their fists hit the boy. The boy was climbing on the ground. Realized what was happening. David turned around quickly and quietly to avoid being involved.
Suddenly, David had a sneeze. Two boys heard it and turned around at once. And then, what did they see? A nosy boy who was not in their plan appeared!
The two boys were very angry and opened the door. They caught and hit David. He was trying to run but they caught him back quickly, he could only cried,’ Help!’
At that moment, the boy who was lying on the ground was trying to leave. The two boys grabbed the boy and didn’t pay attention to David. He managed to leave the classroom without their notice. Then he ran faster and faster to the staff room. At that time, the two boys all saw David was already left the classroom!
They were trying to find where the boys were. The teachers came back and punished the boys. David was not injured but another boy had to go to hospital.
They had a big punishment from the teachers; they had a black mark and 5 days of school suspension.
David has learnt a big lesson. If he wants to be a good boy, he shouldn’t play with bad friends. Also, if he saw the bullying next time, he would tell the teacher at once to avoid like this thing happen again.
He also hopes that each classmate can build a good relationship with other classmates.
- GaryLv 77 年前最愛解答
Based on HKDSE grading scale, 3 will be the best.
1. Content - Off-topic in general. The topic asks for "an usual thing" at school. How does fighting in school unusual?
And seriously - are you trying to teach a lesson to your readers or describing an encounter of an usual thing?
2. Chinglish - "One day", seriously?
3. Grammar - numerous grammar problems.
2014-07-29 15:12:14 補充：
Okay - how unusual fighting in school is?
2014-07-31 17:00:58 補充：
Masterijk - it is not about big or small. It is about unusual.
Fighting is big in school. But for sure, it is something that schools have anticipated.
2014-08-05 02:05:00 補充：
No comment. I will avoid even using "one day".
- 7 年前
Basically, the essay is pretty well-written as initially it has really grasped the readers' attention. However, as I read along, there are confusion in terms of using the Eight Part of Speech. These grammatical errors that could have been avoided.
- 知足常樂Lv 77 年前
2014-08-02 06:18:11 補充：
Maybe in some traditional top schools, fighting is both a big issue as well as an unusual issue.
Anyway, I also think that it would be a better idea to find another unusual event to talk about.
- 7 年前
Topic: An "unusual" thing at school
2014-07-29 16:41:33 補充：
2014-07-30 17:41:16 補充：
2014-08-04 18:35:25 補充：
One day--> on one day, right?