trees
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trees 發問於 社會及文化語言 · 7 年前

請評價我的英文作文

請評價我的英文作文

若以文憑試標準評分,21分可拿多少分呢?

Professional sports stars are some of the richest and most famous people in the world. They are often in the news because they have behaved badly in their private lives. Do you think that sports stars have a duty to set an example to young people both on and off the field? Write s a letter to the Hong Kong Post giving your views on this topic. Sign your letter' Chris Wong'.

Dear Editor,

May I make use of your column to express my view on whether sports stars have a duty to set an example to young people both on and off the field? Nowadays, many young people worship sports stars. Some of these are imitate sports stars’ behavior to gain satisfaction. However, they are still young and lack of social experience, they are still unable to distinguish right from wrong. Therefore, I think sports stars should have a duty to set an example to young people both on and off the field.

Friends are very important to young people. Make friends can enhance their interaction relationship to prepare adult life. Under peer pressure, young people follow their friends worship sports stars. If not, they will lose friends. Some young people imitate sports stars’ behavior to attract others, gain confidence and satisfaction.

However, young people are still young. They are still unable to distinguish right from wrong. They think the behavior is right because the sports stars do it. For example, if the sports star drug abuse, young people follow. But drug abuse is a bad habit. It goes against Hong Kong law. If exploded by police, the young people will have a criminal record, which affects their future. Furthermore, they are hard to quit drugs. In the long term, it destroys our health and concentration.

更新:

If sports stars behave well, young people follow the sports stars behavior which can benefit to their work and future. For example, if the sports stars donate money to help poor people. It promotes young people to donate money too.

更新 2:

Donate money is a caring behavior. It can let poor people have ability to study and buy food, etc. So, you can see sports stars behave well which can benefit to young people.

Nowadays, some sports stars believe behaved badly when they off the field are nobody knows.

更新 3:

However, I have to say some reporters report stars private lives for hoping selling well. For example, they hide at sport stars’ home neighborhood and film them.

更新 4:

Under the technological advancement, Hong Kong young people can easily get hold of news about sports stars through smartphones or computers.

更新 5:

So, sports stars behave badly off the field are as same as on the field which are affected young people.

更新 6:

Young people lack of social experience. They are still unable to distinguish right from wrong. Therefore, sports stars should have a duty to set an example to young people both on and off the field. In this way, young people behave well, which is benefit to them.

更新 7:

Yours faithfully,

Chris

Chris Wong

4 個解答

評分
  • Gary
    Lv 7
    7 年前
    最愛解答

    Non-passing grade, or a mark of 10 or less.

    1. Content - You have only 1 argument: sports stars have a duty to set an example to young people both on and off the field because they influence young people.

    Your focus should be on the importance of sports stars to "young people". But you spent the entire essay to explain "young people". You are basically off topic. Even you have good ideas, they are all underdeveloped.

    You have also criticized actions of some reporters. It is true about what you have said. However - you are writing to a newspaper to express your view. It is inappropriate to attack reporters.

    2. Format - This is an essay of arguments using letter form. So the format is a little bit different from typical argument essays. In this case, you end the essay just like a regular essay, which have shown your lack of knowledge in letter.

    3. Grammar - serious grammar issues.

    4. Word - You have used "young people" 17 times in an essay with about 500 words. Do you think you can use alternative wording, like youth? They are too repetitive.

    5. Spelling - I don't think the police will "bomb" the youth who use drugs.

  • 7 年前

    評語: 作者能較靈活準確地使用詞彙表達,但學術詞彙的積累還有很大的空間;如若增加一些長難句的使用,會為文章添彩;不能熟練使用過渡詞,文章結構不嚴謹。

    Some of these are imitate sports stars' behavior to gain satisfaction.

    動詞錯誤請檢查are imitate (Auxiliary Verb Agreement)

    Make friends can enhance their interaction relationship to prepare adult life.

    Donate money is a caring behavior.

    For example, they hide at sport stars' home neighborhood and film them.

    Some young people imitate sports stars' behavior to attract others, gain confidence and satisfaction.

    這幾句語法不規範

    So, you can see sports stars behave well which can benefit to young people.

    介詞誤用,建議將benefit to 改為benefit。

    So, sports stars behave badly off the field are as same as on the field which are affected young people.

    用詞不當,建議將as same as改為the same as。

    Young people lack of social experience.

    介詞誤用,建議將lack of 改為lack 或the lack of。

    In this way, young people behave well, which is benefit to them.

    冠詞缺失,建議將be benefit改為be a benefit或be beneficial。

    我會給17分 good!

  • 7 年前

    young people, youths, teenagers, teens

  • 7 年前

    個人有少少意見:

    1、內容

    扣到題,啲 keywords 都有 address 到。

    不過你 friends 果一段就好似同條問題無咩關係,有啲 redundant。

    另外,啲 points 可以再 elaborate 多一啲,例如俾啲例子,mention 下現實嘅人物時事,咁樣睇起嚟會冇咁吹水。

    仲有一個問題係,你啲字眼 repeat 得太多喇,例如 Young people lack of social experience. They are still unable to distinguish right from wrong.,而且 sports stars should have a duty to set an example to young people both on and off the field 依句仲係直接喺問題到 copy 出嚟,你最起碼都要 paraphrase 下。

    2、結構

    無咩問題嘅其實,connectives 用得幾好,段與段之間幾連貫。

    但係我覺得一開頭你唔駛問 May I...,可以直接寫 I am writing to express my views on ...

    3、文法

    睇得出你有一定基礎嘅,無咩好初階嘅 grammar flaws。

    但係好多時你唔識用 participles 將個 action 變成 noun,例如 Donate money is a caring behaviour,應該係 Donating money is caring behaviour(另外 behaviour 係數唔到架)有一度 if the sports star drug abuse 應該係 if the sports stars abuse drugs(drug abuse 係 noun,abuse drugs 先係 action)

    另外有啲字詞配搭唔係幾自然/詞不達意,例如 Make friends can enhance their interaction relationship to prepare adult life 比較好嘅寫法係 Making friends can enhance their interpersonal skills to prepare for their adult life,此外,destroys our health 其實好怪,可以改成 affects our health、exploded by the police 應該係 caught by the police、get hold of news 其實 get the news 就 ok

    而且好有時你會多咗/漏咗啲 articles 同 preposition,如 which can benefit to their work and future 唔駛 to。

    有時可以試下用簡單啲嘅 SVO 寫法:sports stars behave badly off the field are as same as on the field which are affected young people -> the impacts of the sports stars' bad behaviour on and off the field on young people are the same

    2014-06-09 18:51:29 補充:

    Typo:

    Making friends can enhance their interpersonal skills to prepare [them] for their adult life

    2014-06-09 18:53:58 補充:

    我唔知 DSE 評分,不過個 grade 應該係 4

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