tweety 發問於 社會及文化語言 · 7 年前

英文writing part A求狠評( 20pts)

Question: write a memo telling the members of staff in your department detailing ways to save ebergy in the office

As we all know, environmental issues like air pollution and global warming have rung the alarm bell in society these days. There is no denying that each of us is to blame for damage caused to our planet earth and it is high time we made some contribution. Hard as this may seem, we can in fact easily make a difference by taking first steps in the area of energy conservation.

Each day, our office consumes considerable energy, which could in fact be slashed by some simple changes in our daily habits. In lunchtime almost every day, the office is invariably empty with every one of us eating out. Yet, air-conditioning and computers are all left turned on, wasting energy unnecessarily. To avoid such wastage, the last colleague who leaves should undertake to check if all the appliances have been switched off. Other than this, air conditioning accounts for a significant portion of our electricity consumption, and we absolutely ought to minimize its use. For instance, at days with temperature not exceeding 25c, it is much more environmentally accountable to substitute air-cons with electric fans. Switching computers to energy-saving mode should also bear work. Under this mode, whenever computers are left idle for more than 10 minutes, the screens will automatically shut down, but will resume working readily when we move the cursor. This way, energy can be saved every time when we are taking a break or concentrating on other tasks without compromising the efficiency of handling computer work.

Bear the above in mind and put all these into practice by constantly reminding each other. With our concerted endeavors, there is no doubt that we can create a green office and cause less harm to the environment.

Pat

覺得唔可以好似d範文用好多vocab同sentense pattern,各位大大求指教

6 個解答

評分
  • Gary
    Lv 7
    7 年前
    最愛解答

    Non-passing grade. Even if it pass, it will be a low passing grade.

    1. The question asked you to write a memo. You wrote an essay instead. Specifically, a speech.

    Also, the content is unrelated to the topic - your topic is about ways to save energy in the office. But you start bringing big topics like global warming. Why don't make it simple - reduce company's cost?

    2. This "thing" is 288-word long (based on Microsoft Word). You used almost half of this "thing" to introduce your ways to save energy. I would not say this is effective communication.

    3. The usual grammatical issues.

    4. You intend to use strong words to show your English "skills". However, it is a memo, which the aim is to communicate effectively. Using strong words in a memo will only make it difficult to understand (jargon are exempted).

    2014-03-25 19:18:19 補充:

    1. You want harsh comment. This is what harsh means.

    2. You make the whole thing too complicated. Simplicity actually helps you to get a better grade.

    2014-03-26 02:45:15 補充:

    Thanks for the support.

  • 7 年前

    Memo informs members of staff about a particular subject or event of the company (change of schedules, announcement, meeting.. etc) or tells people to take a specific action after reading the post. Memo mainly consists of three parts (1) Purpose (2) Action requested (3) Response requested.

    2014-03-29 08:48:58 補充:

    Your first paragraph is irrelevant. Don’t prattle on environment issues. The second paragraph is long-winded. Try to use short sentences, the active voice and common everyday vocabulary. In the case of memo, plain English embraces honesty as well as clarity. People will remember what you write.

    2014-03-29 08:51:50 補充:

    Writing plain English isn’t easy. You have to think hard about what you are going to say, why you are saying it, and who will be reading it. You should focus on essential information ~ i.e. What everyone should do in order to save energy in the office.

    2014-03-29 08:59:08 補充:

    You should write clearly and concisely in ordinary everyday language. Avoid inflated language. Don’t try to sound posh.

    Tweety:

    We are glad that you find Gary’s criticism constructive. Don’t be disheartened. We all make mistakes. The important part is that we learn something from our mistakes.

  • Jenkin
    Lv 7
    7 年前

    其他評了你的寫法錯用....

    現下指出幾處錯寫英文的句子/內容...

    our planet Earth [earth是泥土,大寫的Earth才是專指地球]

    we made some corrections [contribution是指上面提到的事去參加/參與/加入-而你上面字面講的damage(air pollution/global warming),所以這裏寫make的contribution就是指那些damage的行為,另外some之後的東西是可數詞便必定是眾數+s].

    by taking a first step [first必定是單一數量詞-所以前要加aritcle後不能是眾數詞,另亦可用the…但由於這step是文中第一次出現,你亦沒有前提這step是指甚麼,所以唯有寫a step…]

    our office consumes considerable amount of energy, [energy是不可量詞,往往要加上量化詞描寫]

    Setting computers to energy-saving mode should also be applied[bear work是甚麼??].

    Bear the above in mind and put all these into practice by constantly reminding each other.[Not complete sentence]

    without compromising the efficiency of doing computer work.

  • 7 年前

    Memo to communicate with colleagues in other Depts. on save energy in office:-(20 marks)

    Protecting the environment for a pleasant working environment:-

    Try Read and don't damage the office environment:-

    Protecting the office environment by controlling air/water pollution:-

    (1)Lunch time air-con and computers be turned off to save energy

    Last colleague to check

    (2)If not exceeding 25 degrees control the air-con and use electric fans

    Control light and water in the office to encourage sustainability !

    (3)Computer should be controlled in ready-to-serve mode 10 min.only

    (4)Try reduce greenhouse gas emissions by turning to a green office.if recycling office packaging/papers/plastic are into 3 coloured HK Govt.dump box.

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  • 7 年前

    Actually Gary is very nice to you, you should thank him.

    It takes time to read and analyze and give comments.

    (Sometimes, to be honest, it is even easier to rewrite it directly in our own words.)

    2014-03-25 22:52:42 補充:

    tweety, best wishes to you~

    Hope that you get useful advice here.

    Cheers~

    ( ◕‿◕ ♫╭✰)

  • 7 年前

    a little disheartened after reading your comment, but thank you very much for your candid advice. gonna work harder to improve.

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