barnet 發問於 社會及文化語言 · 1 十年 前

可唔可以幫我改文呀(20分)~~~

www.xanga.com/barnet_barnett

on 12nd, November,the passage below "7.3 starts".

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plz help me check the spelling, grammar, usage of words and so on,everthing except content and give me a grade roughly,much thanks

更新:

The aim of this composition is to help me remember the vocabulary items I've learnt only so I just link all the new words together in a composition.

更新 2:

Plz just check the grammar and the usage if words

If more detailed explanation of the usage of the word I use wrong, 40 marks'll be given to the person for the best answer,thanks

1 個解答

評分
  • ma
    Lv 7
    1 十年 前
    最佳解答

    Putting content aside, I find the composition excessively confusing and fragmented. There is no flow and transition. Unless your assignment is to come up with a potpurri of ideas, I am afraid that you will see a low score.

    First and foremost, do not use 's, 're, and 'll arbitrarily. It is generally not a good idea to use contractions in compositions, and if you do, confine the use to only pronouns. This is sample: The enchantments left're Baltic which's a transatlantic canal, San Diego and Chile (eastbound order).

    I would like to mention a few confusing and convoluted sentences:

    1. I love the Caribbean carnivals held by mariners, which appeals to the young of all ages, just like me, every year.

    easily get you into trouble. What is the message that you want to deliver? You love carnivals? The carnivals appeal to the young? You are young? The carnivals are held every year? You put so many aspects into one sentence without making an attempt to help the reader navigate through your thoughts.

    2. Texas, medley of serenity, was once one of my choices (there's one expedition there), the itinerary departs from U.S.A., It's claimed that we'll be able to see colonies of boobies amongst lava flow aboard (it's recommended to embark on the Princess to enjoy it).

    What does the expedition have anything to do with Texas or serenity? Which itinerary might you be referring to? Who claimed that you will see the colonies? It is not in Texas that you are going to see lava flow, is it?

    3. Finally, I've made up my mind to visit Hawaii where the Tahitian live in the interior and hope to be able to enjoy the symphony there. What an inspiration!

    I thought that Hawaiians live in Hawaii and Tahitians live in Tahiti. Who, you or the Tahitian, hope to be able to enjoy the symphony? And what kind of symphony might you be referring to?

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